Chasing A Dream

I had a conversation with one of my close friends the other day. We were discussing monogamy in relationships. Wondering if it really exists. She shared with me something her mother told her. Every man cheats. Whether its mental, emotional, or physical. As women we have to accept it. We have to deal with it. We should only concern ourselves with the issue if the man is not taking care of home. If he is not providing for the woman and the family they share. There's an issue. If he should happen to bring home a parting gift - a child, STD, etc. There's an issue. Outside of that, we should hold our heads up, accept it, and move on. Something about that went through me. I couldn't relate and surely couldn't accept it. Call me naive. Call me a hopeless romantic. I just could not believe that was true of all men.

My grandfather had been dead for a few months before I found out he had one steady mistress during his marriage to my grandmother. That relationship even produced a child. My grandmother always retained her place as his wife. Their home was always taken care of. He provided for my grandmother as well as my mother, but he maintained this relationship over the years. The story of my father's life is quite similar. Maybe its something about that generation.
Still, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. I've always had a dream of one day getting married and never questioning that I'm what that man needs or desires. Sure we all appreciate things of beauty. There's nothing wrong with looking as long as the mind, heart, hands, and body move no further. Yet now, I'm questioning if that dream even exists.

I spent most of Saturday celebrating my son's birthday with my family and my ex's family. My relationship with my son's father ended for many reasons. One of the primary reasons, infidelity. I couldn't trust that when he wasn't with me, he was faithful. Old habits don't die. After spending over six hours with him, nearly two of those riding in his car from destination to destination, I found that he has not given up that terrible fault. I listened to him handle two phone calls with women who were not his wife as he re-arranged dates and times of when they would meet for their next rendezvous. I became physically ill at all his off handed remarks about how the gym is helping the way I wear my jeans and wouldn't it be nice to test the waters for old times sake. Isn't this the man who just went on for twenty minutes in the restaurant about how he has been entrusted to stand in the pulpit and deliver the Word of God. That right there is a different blog. Then, I started to think about the conversation I had with my friend. Maybe her mother was right.

Surely his wife knew what he was doing in his spare time. As long as he took care of home and she could continue not to work, I really don't think she cares. So of course, I start to really over analyze this situation. If this is true, have I made the wrong decisions in the past leaving relationships behind because I couldn't trust the man to be faithful. Should I have ignored all the signs and situations I discovered and just maintained that as long as I'm number one, it just doesn't matter? Are my standards just too high? Should I leave behind that irreplaceable mentality, "If I'm not your everything, then I'll just be nothing."

I can't do it. I can't compromise what I want or need. So, I'll continue to chase my dream that a man exists, who will honestly just want to be with me. He will watch that fine woman walk by, breathe in her beauty, and remember that he's got the best thing since hip hop at home.